A friend once said to me that I could see the silver lining on a mushroom cloud. I remember being that type of person; bubbly, outgoing, positive, confident. Always feeling like everything was going to turn out well. Always feeling like it was going well, and trusting that no matter what happened everything was going to be ok. I used to love life and everything and everyone in it.

I vaguely remember that person. I don't feel like her anymore. Maybe it is just the unstoppable enthusiasm of youth that I am missing. Being only 25 I'm not sure I should feel this old. My heart feels heavy and sad, and I feel worn down by life.

I guess you go along, not thinking and not realising. It's your new normal. And it's not until someone says something that catches you off gaurd you wonder who this new person is. When did I start to feel like this? When did I start to feel so tired, so tired of life. When did it become hard work, a chore and not a blessing and a privilege?

I don't think it's a coincidence that my faith has been dying at the same time as my enthusiasm for life. I am not saying that one has caused the other, but that they both are interconnected, and I believe also connected to my illness and the isolation and heartache that brings.

A colleague said something to me at work today and I got quite upset. For the next half an hour I painted my smile on for the customers and kept going but inside I felt really fragile. I can't figure out if it's me. I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful or nasty, it wasn't anything major and possibly shouldn't have been a big deal. I don't know if I'm just really oversensitive and totally lacking in confidence, or maybe people are generally insensitive and clumsy as a rule - we bash through life without stopping to think about how what we say is going to be heard. I guess either way I need to develop a tougher skin.