When I think about it, my heart breaks for Isaac. How can he ever learn to be secure, confident, to behave well and to know what that is if his Mum is constantly changing boundaries and consequences? With all my heart I want to do right by him, want to give him a secure and happy childhood, to set him up well for the rest of his life. To slowly teach him what it is to be independent, secure, confident, happy. I want him to love life and be sure of his place in it and I know that starts right here; with him knowing his place in our home, knowing boundaries and rules, and knowing how to have fun, to live, laugh and love within them. My inconsistency is failing him already.
Its causing huge issues with bedtime battles. I had thought I was being consistent, but I'm not. He has a regular bedtime routine and everything, but we're trying to wean him off needing rocked to sleep. Last week we started a new tactic, and for a couple of days it was working. The couple of days I wasn't feeling well and Ben did it all. Since I've started doing my share, its gotten worse. And I know in my heart its because I'm not consistent. We have agreed a plan. But I question, I wonder, the HV's suggestions nag my brain, other Mum's stories and tips run round and round. I try to skip 2 steps ahead, it doesn't work, I get frustrated, we go backwards. 2 hours later he's still not sleeping.
If there is any reason for me to stop, to harden my heart, to steel my resolve, to learn to trust myself to stick to the plan it is for my baby boy. Tonight I took the first baby step towards that, decided to trust myself and our plan, to stick to it and follow it through. And I will keep taking those baby steps, all in the same direction for my son, for my husband, and for me. God help me.
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