A friend once said to me that I could see the silver lining on a mushroom cloud. I remember being that type of person; bubbly, outgoing, positive, confident. Always feeling like everything was going to turn out well. Always feeling like it was going well, and trusting that no matter what happened everything was going to be ok. I used to love life and everything and everyone in it.

I vaguely remember that person. I don't feel like her anymore. Maybe it is just the unstoppable enthusiasm of youth that I am missing. Being only 25 I'm not sure I should feel this old. My heart feels heavy and sad, and I feel worn down by life.

I guess you go along, not thinking and not realising. It's your new normal. And it's not until someone says something that catches you off gaurd you wonder who this new person is. When did I start to feel like this? When did I start to feel so tired, so tired of life. When did it become hard work, a chore and not a blessing and a privilege?

I don't think it's a coincidence that my faith has been dying at the same time as my enthusiasm for life. I am not saying that one has caused the other, but that they both are interconnected, and I believe also connected to my illness and the isolation and heartache that brings.

A colleague said something to me at work today and I got quite upset. For the next half an hour I painted my smile on for the customers and kept going but inside I felt really fragile. I can't figure out if it's me. I know she wasn't trying to be hurtful or nasty, it wasn't anything major and possibly shouldn't have been a big deal. I don't know if I'm just really oversensitive and totally lacking in confidence, or maybe people are generally insensitive and clumsy as a rule - we bash through life without stopping to think about how what we say is going to be heard. I guess either way I need to develop a tougher skin.

Lazy [insert sweary word here] disease

I was talking to someone yesterday who's Mum has CFS and it struck me how people with Chronic Fatigue Syndorme often have to fight just to have their condition recognised, acknowledged and understood. Even GPs lack understanding, often misdiagnose or underestimate the illness. I have sat in doctor's offices before and been asked if I really needed the wheelchair, or why I wasn't getting better. Friend's have asked if I wanted to get well, if I was trying. I wonder how many people answer "Actually, you're right, I'm just damn lazy - if I just tried a bit harder, I'm sure I'd be pain free, healthy and active in no time at all! "

I don't know anyone that would. I can also confidently say that I don't know a single person with ME who  is lazy. Not one. And here's why:

Yesterday I did a three hour shift at work. That might not sound a lot, and to most it isn't and would only make up a small part of their activity for the day. But for me, I was exhausted before I even got there. I woke up feeling sick and shaking, unsure if I was even going to be able to get there. All the adrenaline, stress and worry from starting a new job and wondering if my health was going to cope flared up my symptoms before I even left the house. But I went. And I managed over an hour doing the busiest job in the shop, on one of the busiest days of the year while I was still trying to get my head around what was actually going on. And then I felt awful. Really awful. Shaky, legs felt like they were going to collapse and I knew that if I kept going I could really do myself some damage. I also knew that I had a baby boy at home that was going to need me all this week while Daddy is at work and I coudln't afford to be reckless with my health.

But I still didn't give up. I still didn't go home. I went and spoke to my manager (who was one of the best I have experienced in dealing with health issues at work) and said I was struggling and we agreed a plan of action. I was to do a quieter job for the rest of the shift and next week I will be trained on the tills where I can sit down and don't have to run around.

I finished my shift. I came home exhausted and sore but happy. And I still managed to bath my Son with Ben, I still managed to feed him and settle him to sleep (Ben took a turn too!) and do the night feeds (which are getting less frequent and quicker! SO grateful for that!). And today I will battle with my desire to clean the kitchen, tackle the pile of washing and hoover and tidy the house. I won't do those things, I need to fight not to do those things, because for the whole day Isaac relies solely on me. I am exhausted, my legs are achy and dragging on the floor, I've had a wicked headache this morning, throat is sore and glands up a bit. I feel like I could crawl up in a ball and sleep. But I won't, I'll rest when I can and I'll do what needs to be done to get through the day.

I will suffer more, fight harder and use up more energy than any healthy person does in any given day. And at the end of it, I'll have less to show for it but it'll be worth more. And I'll keep on doing that, I'll keep on stepping out of my comfort zone, resting when I don't want to, giving up the things I want for the things I need. I'm going to keep fighting to make the best life I can with what I have because the alternative is completely unacceptable.



PS I just want to make it clear that it has taken over seven years of doing this, of fighting and learning and struggling to get to this point. At times, my daily limits of activity would have been to get up and dressed. There are times when I needed help to do even that.

Our Breastfeeding Journey

"When you go to breastfeeding classes they tell you it should be comfortable and pleasant. Not painful. They don't tell you its exhausting. They don't tell you that for the first few weeks its bloody sore. They don't tell you how hard it is.

Maybe that's some attempt at getting women to breastfeed. But I think it must just decrease the percentage that stick at it. It was such a shock to the system.

Every time Isaac gets weighed (and he has a fabulous weight gain curve) people say that I must be so proud thinking that I've done that all on my own. That's not how it feels. I'm happy he's healthy, and I think how well he's done. If he wasn't gaining weight properly, I'd feel it was my fault. I'd beat myself up. If I put him on formula, I'd feel incredibly guilty. But I never feel like I've done well.

Maybe that's one of the reasons I struggle with breastfeeding, one of the reasons I don't enjoy it as much as I want to. Maybe that's why I mostly just feel negatively about it: exhausted, frustrated, exhausted. Did I mention exhausted? Emotionally too, I feel it grinding me down. I never let myself feel good about it. To tell myself well done would feel like saying to women who haven't managed that their not good enough. That they didn't do well enough.

Maybe the 2 aren't connected. Maybe they are. Why can't I enjoy this? There are things I like about it. Things I love about feeding Isaac. And I'm the only one who will ever get to do it. Its pretty special, and a precious time, and maybe if I stopped stressing about it, stopped worrying if I'll have to put him on formula, stopped thinking about what I should be doing, maybe I'd let myself actually enjoy it.

Or maybe I just don't like it.

If that's the case, is it ok?"

This is a diary entry I wrote a few months ago. Maybe some of you have heard me say I don't feel like I enjoy feeding my baby as much as other Mum's do, and this was true for the first 5 months of Isaac's life. Perhaps those less stubborn would have given up long before. I certainly thought and talked about giving up a lot! I didn't nurse Isaac because I wanted to or because I enjoyed it but because it was best for him. On autopilot I dutifully whipped my boobs out every 3 hours, morning and night (or more frequently!) Because I love my baby and want what's best for him. Other Mum's would say how much they enjoy feeding their babies and I would just want to cry. I had a few moments where he would feed without fussing or being rough, moments where he would suck contented at my breast and my heart would swell with love and affection. Really precious moments, but they were far and few between.

Notice I'm saying were. This last month I have been really starting to enjoy feeding Isaac. Those moments are coming more frequently, daily, almost! He looks into my eyes when he's feeding now and I can't describe the love I feel for him and the bond we're cementing. He sometimes reaches up and plays with my hair or my face, (at times not very gently!) And its almost like him telling me he loves me. He's still rough or fussy occasionally, but not as often, and the rough times are being replaced gradually with the wonderful times and finally, finally I can say I'm proud of myself. At last I enjoy feeding my baby, at last I can say well done me, at last I'm so glad I kept going.

I don't know why we struggled so much but it almost doesn't matter anymore. I feel we have arrived, even if it took 6 months of grit and determination, we are finally here. And I love it.
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A life within limits

One of my friends who also has CFS came round the other week to help me out. While she was here she told me that you can't be proud when you have ME. She's totally right, and unfortunately its a lesson I haven't totally learned yet. I am getting a crash course now though, as for the couple of weeks my Chronic Fatigue has been flaring up.

My ME hasn't been this bad since I fell pregnant with Isaac. In fact, I've seen a marked improvement since I fell pregnant, so these past few weeks have been a real shock to the system. Apart from the physical aspect of feeling dizzy, exhausted, shaky weak and sore, its the emotional side of it that really hurts. Sometimes it feels like your not a "proper" person. Like your defective; only able to do half of what healthy people can. Those thoughts weigh especially heavily on a Mum's shoulders. Knowing that I am solely responsible for Isaac's welfare 5 days a week, that he relies on me for everything from food to nappy changes to stimulation so he can grow and learn.

I'm worried that the constant care Isaac needs combined with the lack of decent sleep is preventing me from getting better. I'm worried that I'm going to fall over when I'm carrying him, or just simply that he won't get the care and attention he needs from me. I'm worried.

I've been trying to write this post for a few weeks now and I'm really struggling to put into words how I've been feeling. I don't remember ever feeling like this before. As I think about everything I've been through the last 7 and a half years its sinking in for the first time just how awful its been. Its like the world keeps on turning without you. All but a few of the most loyal friends fade away and you quickly find yourself alone with your suffering - everyday a battle, everyday in pain, everyday consumed by exhaustion, isolation, frustration and depression.

Its hard to describe to someone who's never been through it what its like to need help to walk from the sitting room to the toilet, or to be out of breath, exhausted and need to sit down after a few steps. To struggle to the top of the stairs, your whole body aching for bed, before realising you forgot the water and snack you'll need if you want to get up the next morning. Even without leaving the house, each day takes an incredible amount of planning, negotiating, experience and intuition so that you can walk the fine line between getting everything you need to keep what little health you have without over doing it and risking all the progress you've made so far.

Having said all of that, meant every word and being heartbroken about the life my ME has stolen from me, I also mean it when I say I love my life. I have the most wonderful husband, the best baby boy that has ever existed (I might be biased but its still the truth!) and while I have sacrificed a lot I also have learned and grown a huge amount. Energy is so precious to me and so I know what I want to spend it on, what I want to fight for. I have a wonderful supportive family and I am determined to make the absolute most of what I have.
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Arranging the basics

Being a Mum means everything has to be arranged around your baby. Going to the toilet, eating, sleeping; these are now things that must be arranged. These are now things that can and do wait. The thing that can't wait is whatever your baby needs from you. I often get to the end of the day, realise I haven't had a shower and that I probably won't get one until Ben gets home from work the following day. hmmm.

Before I had Isaac I never imagined that it could be so difficult to look after yourself! A Mum once told me she hardly ever got to go to the toilet on her own when her children were toddlers. I thought she was mad. Now I really appreciate when I don't have to pee really quickly or shovel food down my throat as fast as possible before Isaac wants fed or gets fed up playing on his own.

Its a bizarre way to live your life! Isaac is nearly 6 months now and I'm excited and nervous about this next stage. The new baby stage has all but passed, and now I have a baby whose personality is becoming more apparent everyday. A determined wee soul who has strops and gets bored and is fascinated with Everything! Soon I will have a baby that can crawl and eat and bounce! If I am struggling to do the basics now, how on earth am I going to manage when I'm literally running around after him?!?

But I'm going to discover who my Isaac is, to watch him grow and learn and laugh! And I genuinely can't wait! :)
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Substantial and Long Term Adversity

I was filling out a job application form this week and came accross the disability and equal opportunities section. I normally tick the disabled box and then fill out the section about how I'm effected on auto pilot, but for some reason reading the description of disability really knocked me.
"The Disability Discrimination Act (DDA) defines a disabled person as someone who has a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on his or her ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities."

That sounds quite bad, hey? A substantial and long-term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. A heavy sense of loss struck me, thinking about how much time, effort, energy, planning, stress and difficulty I've had doing things that other people do easily, automatically and often. And those are the achievments! Those are the times I've battled and fought and rested and planned and managed to do a small measure of what able bodied people do everyday. I know it doesn't sound like me, but I'm sort of lost for words.

Free to choose?

I've lived in Fife for over three years now, but it wasn't until I had Isaac that I've really made friends here. The support of Mum's I've met has made such a huge difference to our lives. Babies are incredibly hard work, frustrating, exhausting, confusing, and at times soul destroying. To spend time with other people who are going through the same things; to know your not alone and that it does get better shines a light in your darkness and makes the difficult times(almost!) bearable.

But if you've been to any kind of Mum's group, you've probably also sat on your own and wondered if anyone is going to talk to you. You've probably shared a problem and experienced the frustration of receiving well meaning but unwanted advice- and advice is putting it nicely. You've no doubt felt scorned or belittled as your parenting style, technique or choice is openly rejected by those who would do it differently.

The thing that gets me is that every Mum I know has experienced what it feels like to be demoralised and torn down by hurtful criticism of their carefully considered choices. Everyone wants the best for their child and does the very best with what they have. Every parent knows their child the best, and is best placed to decide what's right for their family. Every child is an individual, and every family is different so there never has been and never will be a one size fits all rule. There is no right way.

So why do we make each other feel that there's so many wrong ones? From feeding to sleeping to discipline and everything in between it can feel like there's a million ways to do it wrong and not a chance in hell of getting it right. Since having Isaac I've really made a concious effort not to put down other parents, but to encourage and support instead. I was feeling very pleased with myself for rising above all the nonsense, but it took less than a minute of thinking about it before I realised that I am just as bad as everyone else.

I think part of the problem is that every parent has something they feel passionately about. It could be breastfeeding, co-sleeping or sleep training. For me its smacking. I hate it. It makes my insides go all funny. But the way I feel doesn't give me the right to tell another parent what to do or to judge them for their decisions. How does it benefit a child to have their parent loose confidence in themselves? Because whatever we may tell ourselves what we are talking about here is not abuse or neglect that would warrant outside intervention. We are talking about the good, right and completely normal variations in families. No family is perfect.

I pray that I will have confidence in my ability to know what's best for my family without the arrogance of presuming I know what's right for others. I pray I will have gentleness to listen to my friend's problems without judging or jumping in with my opinion. Instead I want to be a listening ear and a sounding board to give them space so they can figure out what they want to do and what's right for them.

So to my wonderful Mummy friends: I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support, laughter and friendship you bring to our lives. Please feel free to give me a good slap if I ever let you and your family down by not supporting your choices.

Brestfeeding, Formula and big bad companies.

"Marketing practices that undermine breastfeeding are potentially hazardous wherever they are pursued: in the developing world, WHO estimates that some 1.5 million children die each year because they are not adequately breastfed. These facts are not in dispute."  - Unicef.

Having struggled with breastfeeding my baby, and knowing other Mum's who have struggled even more, I am certainly not anti formula feeding. I know many families who's sanities were saved by the introduction, in full or in part, of formula milk and I completely support the decision they made knowing that ultimately it was best for them. There were many times when only pure stubborness prevented me from putting Isaac on the bottle - a week of round the clock two hourly feeds will test the resolve and determination of even the most pro breastfeeding Mum.

So, like I say, I am certainly not anti formula feeding. Isaac has had the occasional bottle to give me a break. The issue here is not that all formula is bad. Perhaps contraversially, I don't believe that we can say breastfeeding is best at any cost. Babies also need Mum's who get to sleep now and again; Mum's who don't start resenting them because of the pain and endless work that breastfeeding a newborn can entail.

But we cannot dispute the fact that breastfed babies are given the best possible start in life. Not only because of the significant health benefits, but there is recent research showing that breastfed babies are better behaved and have greater social mobility later in life (see links at end). So while I am not  anti formula feeding, I am pro breastfeeding. I believe strongly in giving Mum's the best information and support possible; to help them to feed their babies the way they want to. Instead of saying breastfeeding is best at any cost, why don't we try to minimise the cost and maximise the support for Mum's to give them the best chance of a happy, healthy breastfeeding experience.

Which is where the problem with formula comes in: Companies such as Nestle and Danone (cow and gate) consistently break international codes of practise when marketing their formula. They do not aim to compete with other infant formulas; but instead aim to compete with breastfeeding. In addition to this Nestle does not make clear that formula is not a sterile product and must be made with water 70 degrees or hotter in order to kill harmful bacteria. They even sell a system called BabyNes for making up formula which fails to heat the water enough - leaving harmful bacteria in the milk - which is also marketed as safe.

This is bad enough in countries where access to clean water and good health care is available to all but where the water is unsafe a formula fed baby is up to twenty five times more likely to die as a result of diarrhoea. Despite this, Nestle advertises its milk as safe, claiming it "protects babies" in countries known to have unsafe water.

So this week I am joining the Nestle boycott - no more fruit pastles, cinnamon crunch or cheerios for me! Join us to help put pressure on Nestle to start putting babies before profits and marketing it's milk safely: http://info.babymilkaction.org/nestlefreeweek


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13343526

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/09/breastfeeding-link-to-social-mobility

Action Plan!

Last few nights I've been having panic attacks. Isaac doesn't know how to settle himself to sleep and its really causing problems for the whole family. I'm exhausted, Ben and I are fighting, Ben's exhausted. Isaac is getting too heavy to rock to sleep for an hour or more every night - only to wake an hour later.

So today our health visitor came round. She was a big help and after talking to Ben we now have a plan. Its kinda a combination of her suggestions and the no cry sleep solution (book by Elizabeth Pantley). The health visitor said the main thing is to put Isaac down awake. I am not really ready for the screaming that would ensue from that - even with us beside him, ssshhhing and stroking his tummy. So we are adding in another step - taken from the no cry sleep solution, where you transfer a falling asleep baby to his cot and continue rocking gently and cuddling for a couple of minutes until he is settled. We are going to try this, as a team, until Ben's long weekend a week on Friday. Note how long it takes today, and then again in a week or so. If we don't see any improvement then we'll move to the health visitors plan when we've 4 work free days and nights to try and get the worst bit over.

So, I'm going to be a strong Mum and do what my baby boy needs me to do so he can learn how to sleep - just like he'll need me to help him to learn how to crawl, walk, eat and all the other amazing things he's gonna do.

Wish me luck, pray for me and I'll let u know how we get on. X
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Every day counts

Last Sunday we had such a fabulous day. We went to the sea life centre and Isaac was so excited about the fishies! :) Although, we didn't manage to get any good photos of him actually looking at the fish, here are a couple of him looking super cute in the cafe:

 He loves to blow bubbles!

 And in the car park, he had his second driving lesson. Dad's keen to start him early!

Days like that are too special for words, and I just feel that if this is my lot in life, then it's better than I could have ever hoped for. We could have sat at home and watched tv on Sunday. The weather was rubbish and it would have been easier not to go out. But we had such a fabulous time, I'm determined to make more days like these, more memories, more life! :)

No judgement please

It's days like these I am jelous of parents who adopted their kids as toddlers. It's days like these I consider solids, and formula, and cry it out. It's days like these that I question every decision we've made so far. Did I feed him to sleep too much, cuddle him to sleep too much, rock him to sleep too much? It's days like these that if you told me that hanging babies out the window for a minute sends them right to sleep - I would consider it as an option.

There is so much conflicting advice about how to get babies to sleep. Maybe that's because we don't know. Maybe it's because every parent is different, and so has a different theory on what works. Maybe it's because every baby is different, and so has a different key to sleep.

Here's what I do know - we were getting somewhere. We were, his routine was going better, it was taking shorter and shorter times to get him to sleep. He's teething. I'm sure he's teething, and I'm almost positive that's why the past week and a half have been sleep deprived. One night, out of 10 he fed at 3 hourly intervals. Not for all of the night, but part of it. And that was bliss. The rest, every 1-2 hours. I have Chronic Fatigue. I cannot function. He cries sometimes, and I feel this wall going up in my heart. Trying to protect me from him, from the way he needs me, and from the fact I can't rock him to sleep for 40 minutes.

I can hear Ben rocking him upstairs. His crying at intervals. Most likely that's when Ben is trying to put him down in his crib. I don't know what the answer is.

I love him with all of my heart. ALL of my heart. I would do anything for him, anything to protect him and keep him safe, happy, well, growing and learning. I can't keep going like this. I don't know how to fix it. Lots of people have different advice, let him cry, just get on with it, calpol for his teeth, solids for his tummy. I really don't want to be told what to do anymore. I am old enough to know there is no magic fix. I believe the key to it will be consistancy, but I am so exhausted. It won't change until I change it, and I just don't have the energy.

My very cute, very wonderful baby when he was just a few days old. I can't imagine my life without him, and I wouldn't want to.

I love you Isaac

Yesterday wasn't a great day for me. Exhausted after a week of night shifts with Isaac, I started the day off fighting with Ben, had to call the exterminator out agian for the fleas, and rounded it all off by backing our car into someone else's.

However, Isaac made a new friend: a lovely little girl called Ailayh, age 2! She jumped around infront of him just about bursting with excitement, and kept telling him she loved him! Too sweet for words. She also discovered that all boys have tails and that babies get special milk from their Mummies. I love how toddlers learn so much from everyday life.

"I love you Isaac"

"Isaac's got a tail!"

"What you doing?"

It's hard to imagine what Isaac will  be like in a couple of years, how much he'll be growing and learning...turning into his own mini person. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a front row seat!! :)

P.S Thanks so much to Ailidh's Mum for letting us camp out at her house while the exterminator came round.

Sleeping, eating, growing

I know it's crazy. My wonderful little man takes FOREVER to get to sleep. Ok, maybe not forever, but after 2 hours of crying, rocking, feeding, singing (softly, softly), sssshhhh-ing and walking the floor with a baby who's now well past a stone in weight, and he's STILL not asleep, it certainly feels like forever.

I've been reading the "no-cry sleep solution" by Elizabeth Pantley, and it's got some good tips and ideas in it. Last night, he probably cried less that he ever has, and went to sleep in an astonishingly quick one hour 40 mins. And, what's even more impressive, he was laid down, not being rocked, fed, or sung to. The 3 of us were laid on our bed, after an hour twenty minutes of settling him (using all of the above methods!) he was almost asleep, but the last wee bit he did all by himself. And it made me incredibly sad. Yup, you heard me right, sad. Sad to think, one day, maybe not too far away, we'll have bath time, story time, and then I'll put him down in his own cot and he'll go to sleep without us, without needing us.

I never used to understand Mum's who wanted to keep their children babies as long as possible. Mum's doing things for their children who are perfectly able to do it themselves. It holds the child back, ties up Mum's time, and, in the end both get frustrated. But it's scary, your baby moving on to the next stage. Yesterday we had the weaning talk, and if I'm honest I don't enjoy breastfeeding as much as I would like to; as much as other Mum's seem to. But still, when the health visitor said that by 9 months to a year, he should be on roughly 3 meals a day and should only need milk morning, night and possibly once during the day I felt that same pang. One day, he will no longer be my baby. He'll be Isaac; a person in his own right and he won't need me anymore. Each milestone, as wonderful, exciting and full of joy as they are, holds that same little twinge of sadness because it's one step closer to that day.

About me

I'm sitting in my living room; it's a lovely warm, sunny day and the house is quiet! It's so unusual, the past four and a half months have just been non-stop. I guess the arrival of your first bundle of joy (and exhaustion, depression and despair!) is like that.

He's sat outside in the back garden, wrapped up, and carefully positioned out of direct sunlight; the back door and sitting room window open so I will hear if he stirs. He's been sleeping an hour, and that's usually his absolute maximum (earlier today we only got half an hour), so I fully expect to have to abandon this draft at any moment. I don't really know what to do with myself, truth be told. I'm sure you're told to relax, enjoy, nap yourself if you need to, but I'm more on edge than when he's awake! I feel a bit like a coiled spring, ready to burst into action as soon as he needs me.

I have started blogs before, and I have rarely kept them going very long. I know this one will be a challenge, given how little my baby is, and how much time he takes up; but writing is one of the ways that I figure out how I feel, what I want, and how to move forward. So I know it's important that I really make the effort to keep this one going. I also really want a record of this time in my life. An online diary, for me, for my family, and maybe for my baby Isaac to read when he gets a bit older. I want it to be honest, open and real. No doubt, there will be rants when I get frustrated with the world around me (my husband calls that the passionate Scot in me, and insists he loves that about me - even after hearing me express my very strong opinion on the same topic for a couple of weeks, until I get it out of my system!) - but I hope it will be more about me figuring out how I can live my life completely and fully. I know we only get one, and my baby boy will only be this size once, will only roll over onto his tummy for the first time once (today!!!), my husband and I will only get to enjoy this time together once - learning how to be a family and not just a couple. And we're both figuring out how to be the parents we want to be, the people we want to be, and how to encourage Isaac to grow and develop into whoever he wants to be!

Talking of Isaac, he's still sleeping!!