Thomas Hardy, Tess of the D'Urbervilles
I've been thinking about that quote a lot; and I believe with all my heart it applies to me. We have enough, not too much, so that it gets in the way of living life and appreciating what you have, and not too little that we truly want for anything. I feel truly blessed beyond measure, and I know that we are well provided for. We have a safe, warm home, we have each other, we never have to go without anything we really need and, to be honest, we have a lot of stuff that we don't. While I'm not perfect, and our lives aren't perfect and so there are always things you want to change or do differently; we certainly have enough and I can't express how grateful I am for our wee family.
There's always a but though, right?
Well, there is and there isn't. I meant every single word of what I just said, and I believe it with all of my heart. I know how lucky I am to have not just our worldly comforts, but a wonderful, supportive husband who is my best friend and the actual best baby boy in the world (although, it's probably more accurate to say he's a toddler now! How did that happen?!?). In my heart of hearts, and despite myself though, I would really like another. I want a brother or sister for Isaac to play with and to grow up with. It's only been in the last couple of months that I've come around to the idea of another, after 9 months of being sick and feeling sick followed by about 6 months of not being able to walk properly, plus all the normal sleep deprivation and exhaustion and at times complete despair that comes from having a newborn baby, you'd think that one would be more than enough! Maybe if Ben was open to the idea of another child then I would be more apprehensive, maybe then it would become a real possibility and I'd actually have to think about the practicalities. If I'm nearly as incapacitated by a second pregnancy as I was with the first I have no idea how I would manage to look after a toddler too. And then there's the financial considerations. And space, and time, and everything else. But Ben doesn't want another. And people say maybe that will change, and maybe it will but it's not something I can rest my hopes on.
So I feel very conflicted. Because it's a kind of grief to give up the desire and love and hope that you feel for the possibility of another baby. And sometimes its a sadness that weighs heavy on my heart. But on the other hand, I have more joy, more love, more happiness than some people get in a lifetime. How can I possibly complain?
