Arranging the basics

Being a Mum means everything has to be arranged around your baby. Going to the toilet, eating, sleeping; these are now things that must be arranged. These are now things that can and do wait. The thing that can't wait is whatever your baby needs from you. I often get to the end of the day, realise I haven't had a shower and that I probably won't get one until Ben gets home from work the following day. hmmm.

Before I had Isaac I never imagined that it could be so difficult to look after yourself! A Mum once told me she hardly ever got to go to the toilet on her own when her children were toddlers. I thought she was mad. Now I really appreciate when I don't have to pee really quickly or shovel food down my throat as fast as possible before Isaac wants fed or gets fed up playing on his own.

Its a bizarre way to live your life! Isaac is nearly 6 months now and I'm excited and nervous about this next stage. The new baby stage has all but passed, and now I have a baby whose personality is becoming more apparent everyday. A determined wee soul who has strops and gets bored and is fascinated with Everything! Soon I will have a baby that can crawl and eat and bounce! If I am struggling to do the basics now, how on earth am I going to manage when I'm literally running around after him?!?

But I'm going to discover who my Isaac is, to watch him grow and learn and laugh! And I genuinely can't wait! :)
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Substantial and Long Term Adversity

I was filling out a job application form this week and came accross the disability and equal opportunities section. I normally tick the disabled box and then fill out the section about how I'm effected on auto pilot, but for some reason reading the description of disability really knocked me.
"The Disability Discrimination Act (DDA) defines a disabled person as someone who has a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on his or her ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities."

That sounds quite bad, hey? A substantial and long-term adverse effect on your ability to carry out normal day-to-day activities. A heavy sense of loss struck me, thinking about how much time, effort, energy, planning, stress and difficulty I've had doing things that other people do easily, automatically and often. And those are the achievments! Those are the times I've battled and fought and rested and planned and managed to do a small measure of what able bodied people do everyday. I know it doesn't sound like me, but I'm sort of lost for words.

Free to choose?

I've lived in Fife for over three years now, but it wasn't until I had Isaac that I've really made friends here. The support of Mum's I've met has made such a huge difference to our lives. Babies are incredibly hard work, frustrating, exhausting, confusing, and at times soul destroying. To spend time with other people who are going through the same things; to know your not alone and that it does get better shines a light in your darkness and makes the difficult times(almost!) bearable.

But if you've been to any kind of Mum's group, you've probably also sat on your own and wondered if anyone is going to talk to you. You've probably shared a problem and experienced the frustration of receiving well meaning but unwanted advice- and advice is putting it nicely. You've no doubt felt scorned or belittled as your parenting style, technique or choice is openly rejected by those who would do it differently.

The thing that gets me is that every Mum I know has experienced what it feels like to be demoralised and torn down by hurtful criticism of their carefully considered choices. Everyone wants the best for their child and does the very best with what they have. Every parent knows their child the best, and is best placed to decide what's right for their family. Every child is an individual, and every family is different so there never has been and never will be a one size fits all rule. There is no right way.

So why do we make each other feel that there's so many wrong ones? From feeding to sleeping to discipline and everything in between it can feel like there's a million ways to do it wrong and not a chance in hell of getting it right. Since having Isaac I've really made a concious effort not to put down other parents, but to encourage and support instead. I was feeling very pleased with myself for rising above all the nonsense, but it took less than a minute of thinking about it before I realised that I am just as bad as everyone else.

I think part of the problem is that every parent has something they feel passionately about. It could be breastfeeding, co-sleeping or sleep training. For me its smacking. I hate it. It makes my insides go all funny. But the way I feel doesn't give me the right to tell another parent what to do or to judge them for their decisions. How does it benefit a child to have their parent loose confidence in themselves? Because whatever we may tell ourselves what we are talking about here is not abuse or neglect that would warrant outside intervention. We are talking about the good, right and completely normal variations in families. No family is perfect.

I pray that I will have confidence in my ability to know what's best for my family without the arrogance of presuming I know what's right for others. I pray I will have gentleness to listen to my friend's problems without judging or jumping in with my opinion. Instead I want to be a listening ear and a sounding board to give them space so they can figure out what they want to do and what's right for them.

So to my wonderful Mummy friends: I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support, laughter and friendship you bring to our lives. Please feel free to give me a good slap if I ever let you and your family down by not supporting your choices.

Brestfeeding, Formula and big bad companies.

"Marketing practices that undermine breastfeeding are potentially hazardous wherever they are pursued: in the developing world, WHO estimates that some 1.5 million children die each year because they are not adequately breastfed. These facts are not in dispute."  - Unicef.

Having struggled with breastfeeding my baby, and knowing other Mum's who have struggled even more, I am certainly not anti formula feeding. I know many families who's sanities were saved by the introduction, in full or in part, of formula milk and I completely support the decision they made knowing that ultimately it was best for them. There were many times when only pure stubborness prevented me from putting Isaac on the bottle - a week of round the clock two hourly feeds will test the resolve and determination of even the most pro breastfeeding Mum.

So, like I say, I am certainly not anti formula feeding. Isaac has had the occasional bottle to give me a break. The issue here is not that all formula is bad. Perhaps contraversially, I don't believe that we can say breastfeeding is best at any cost. Babies also need Mum's who get to sleep now and again; Mum's who don't start resenting them because of the pain and endless work that breastfeeding a newborn can entail.

But we cannot dispute the fact that breastfed babies are given the best possible start in life. Not only because of the significant health benefits, but there is recent research showing that breastfed babies are better behaved and have greater social mobility later in life (see links at end). So while I am not  anti formula feeding, I am pro breastfeeding. I believe strongly in giving Mum's the best information and support possible; to help them to feed their babies the way they want to. Instead of saying breastfeeding is best at any cost, why don't we try to minimise the cost and maximise the support for Mum's to give them the best chance of a happy, healthy breastfeeding experience.

Which is where the problem with formula comes in: Companies such as Nestle and Danone (cow and gate) consistently break international codes of practise when marketing their formula. They do not aim to compete with other infant formulas; but instead aim to compete with breastfeeding. In addition to this Nestle does not make clear that formula is not a sterile product and must be made with water 70 degrees or hotter in order to kill harmful bacteria. They even sell a system called BabyNes for making up formula which fails to heat the water enough - leaving harmful bacteria in the milk - which is also marketed as safe.

This is bad enough in countries where access to clean water and good health care is available to all but where the water is unsafe a formula fed baby is up to twenty five times more likely to die as a result of diarrhoea. Despite this, Nestle advertises its milk as safe, claiming it "protects babies" in countries known to have unsafe water.

So this week I am joining the Nestle boycott - no more fruit pastles, cinnamon crunch or cheerios for me! Join us to help put pressure on Nestle to start putting babies before profits and marketing it's milk safely: http://info.babymilkaction.org/nestlefreeweek


http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-13343526

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2011/oct/09/breastfeeding-link-to-social-mobility

Action Plan!

Last few nights I've been having panic attacks. Isaac doesn't know how to settle himself to sleep and its really causing problems for the whole family. I'm exhausted, Ben and I are fighting, Ben's exhausted. Isaac is getting too heavy to rock to sleep for an hour or more every night - only to wake an hour later.

So today our health visitor came round. She was a big help and after talking to Ben we now have a plan. Its kinda a combination of her suggestions and the no cry sleep solution (book by Elizabeth Pantley). The health visitor said the main thing is to put Isaac down awake. I am not really ready for the screaming that would ensue from that - even with us beside him, ssshhhing and stroking his tummy. So we are adding in another step - taken from the no cry sleep solution, where you transfer a falling asleep baby to his cot and continue rocking gently and cuddling for a couple of minutes until he is settled. We are going to try this, as a team, until Ben's long weekend a week on Friday. Note how long it takes today, and then again in a week or so. If we don't see any improvement then we'll move to the health visitors plan when we've 4 work free days and nights to try and get the worst bit over.

So, I'm going to be a strong Mum and do what my baby boy needs me to do so he can learn how to sleep - just like he'll need me to help him to learn how to crawl, walk, eat and all the other amazing things he's gonna do.

Wish me luck, pray for me and I'll let u know how we get on. X
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Every day counts

Last Sunday we had such a fabulous day. We went to the sea life centre and Isaac was so excited about the fishies! :) Although, we didn't manage to get any good photos of him actually looking at the fish, here are a couple of him looking super cute in the cafe:

 He loves to blow bubbles!

 And in the car park, he had his second driving lesson. Dad's keen to start him early!

Days like that are too special for words, and I just feel that if this is my lot in life, then it's better than I could have ever hoped for. We could have sat at home and watched tv on Sunday. The weather was rubbish and it would have been easier not to go out. But we had such a fabulous time, I'm determined to make more days like these, more memories, more life! :)

No judgement please

It's days like these I am jelous of parents who adopted their kids as toddlers. It's days like these I consider solids, and formula, and cry it out. It's days like these that I question every decision we've made so far. Did I feed him to sleep too much, cuddle him to sleep too much, rock him to sleep too much? It's days like these that if you told me that hanging babies out the window for a minute sends them right to sleep - I would consider it as an option.

There is so much conflicting advice about how to get babies to sleep. Maybe that's because we don't know. Maybe it's because every parent is different, and so has a different theory on what works. Maybe it's because every baby is different, and so has a different key to sleep.

Here's what I do know - we were getting somewhere. We were, his routine was going better, it was taking shorter and shorter times to get him to sleep. He's teething. I'm sure he's teething, and I'm almost positive that's why the past week and a half have been sleep deprived. One night, out of 10 he fed at 3 hourly intervals. Not for all of the night, but part of it. And that was bliss. The rest, every 1-2 hours. I have Chronic Fatigue. I cannot function. He cries sometimes, and I feel this wall going up in my heart. Trying to protect me from him, from the way he needs me, and from the fact I can't rock him to sleep for 40 minutes.

I can hear Ben rocking him upstairs. His crying at intervals. Most likely that's when Ben is trying to put him down in his crib. I don't know what the answer is.

I love him with all of my heart. ALL of my heart. I would do anything for him, anything to protect him and keep him safe, happy, well, growing and learning. I can't keep going like this. I don't know how to fix it. Lots of people have different advice, let him cry, just get on with it, calpol for his teeth, solids for his tummy. I really don't want to be told what to do anymore. I am old enough to know there is no magic fix. I believe the key to it will be consistancy, but I am so exhausted. It won't change until I change it, and I just don't have the energy.

My very cute, very wonderful baby when he was just a few days old. I can't imagine my life without him, and I wouldn't want to.

I love you Isaac

Yesterday wasn't a great day for me. Exhausted after a week of night shifts with Isaac, I started the day off fighting with Ben, had to call the exterminator out agian for the fleas, and rounded it all off by backing our car into someone else's.

However, Isaac made a new friend: a lovely little girl called Ailayh, age 2! She jumped around infront of him just about bursting with excitement, and kept telling him she loved him! Too sweet for words. She also discovered that all boys have tails and that babies get special milk from their Mummies. I love how toddlers learn so much from everyday life.

"I love you Isaac"

"Isaac's got a tail!"

"What you doing?"

It's hard to imagine what Isaac will  be like in a couple of years, how much he'll be growing and learning...turning into his own mini person. I can't believe how lucky I am to have a front row seat!! :)

P.S Thanks so much to Ailidh's Mum for letting us camp out at her house while the exterminator came round.