Maybe that's some attempt at getting women to breastfeed. But I think it must just decrease the percentage that stick at it. It was such a shock to the system.
Every time Isaac gets weighed (and he has a fabulous weight gain curve) people say that I must be so proud thinking that I've done that all on my own. That's not how it feels. I'm happy he's healthy, and I think how well he's done. If he wasn't gaining weight properly, I'd feel it was my fault. I'd beat myself up. If I put him on formula, I'd feel incredibly guilty. But I never feel like I've done well.
Maybe that's one of the reasons I struggle with breastfeeding, one of the reasons I don't enjoy it as much as I want to. Maybe that's why I mostly just feel negatively about it: exhausted, frustrated, exhausted. Did I mention exhausted? Emotionally too, I feel it grinding me down. I never let myself feel good about it. To tell myself well done would feel like saying to women who haven't managed that their not good enough. That they didn't do well enough.
Maybe the 2 aren't connected. Maybe they are. Why can't I enjoy this? There are things I like about it. Things I love about feeding Isaac. And I'm the only one who will ever get to do it. Its pretty special, and a precious time, and maybe if I stopped stressing about it, stopped worrying if I'll have to put him on formula, stopped thinking about what I should be doing, maybe I'd let myself actually enjoy it.
Or maybe I just don't like it.
If that's the case, is it ok?"
This is a diary entry I wrote a few months ago. Maybe some of you have heard me say I don't feel like I enjoy feeding my baby as much as other Mum's do, and this was true for the first 5 months of Isaac's life. Perhaps those less stubborn would have given up long before. I certainly thought and talked about giving up a lot! I didn't nurse Isaac because I wanted to or because I enjoyed it but because it was best for him. On autopilot I dutifully whipped my boobs out every 3 hours, morning and night (or more frequently!) Because I love my baby and want what's best for him. Other Mum's would say how much they enjoy feeding their babies and I would just want to cry. I had a few moments where he would feed without fussing or being rough, moments where he would suck contented at my breast and my heart would swell with love and affection. Really precious moments, but they were far and few between.
Notice I'm saying were. This last month I have been really starting to enjoy feeding Isaac. Those moments are coming more frequently, daily, almost! He looks into my eyes when he's feeding now and I can't describe the love I feel for him and the bond we're cementing. He sometimes reaches up and plays with my hair or my face, (at times not very gently!) And its almost like him telling me he loves me. He's still rough or fussy occasionally, but not as often, and the rough times are being replaced gradually with the wonderful times and finally, finally I can say I'm proud of myself. At last I enjoy feeding my baby, at last I can say well done me, at last I'm so glad I kept going.
I don't know why we struggled so much but it almost doesn't matter anymore. I feel we have arrived, even if it took 6 months of grit and determination, we are finally here. And I love it.
Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless device
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