No judgement please

It's days like these I am jelous of parents who adopted their kids as toddlers. It's days like these I consider solids, and formula, and cry it out. It's days like these that I question every decision we've made so far. Did I feed him to sleep too much, cuddle him to sleep too much, rock him to sleep too much? It's days like these that if you told me that hanging babies out the window for a minute sends them right to sleep - I would consider it as an option.

There is so much conflicting advice about how to get babies to sleep. Maybe that's because we don't know. Maybe it's because every parent is different, and so has a different theory on what works. Maybe it's because every baby is different, and so has a different key to sleep.

Here's what I do know - we were getting somewhere. We were, his routine was going better, it was taking shorter and shorter times to get him to sleep. He's teething. I'm sure he's teething, and I'm almost positive that's why the past week and a half have been sleep deprived. One night, out of 10 he fed at 3 hourly intervals. Not for all of the night, but part of it. And that was bliss. The rest, every 1-2 hours. I have Chronic Fatigue. I cannot function. He cries sometimes, and I feel this wall going up in my heart. Trying to protect me from him, from the way he needs me, and from the fact I can't rock him to sleep for 40 minutes.

I can hear Ben rocking him upstairs. His crying at intervals. Most likely that's when Ben is trying to put him down in his crib. I don't know what the answer is.

I love him with all of my heart. ALL of my heart. I would do anything for him, anything to protect him and keep him safe, happy, well, growing and learning. I can't keep going like this. I don't know how to fix it. Lots of people have different advice, let him cry, just get on with it, calpol for his teeth, solids for his tummy. I really don't want to be told what to do anymore. I am old enough to know there is no magic fix. I believe the key to it will be consistancy, but I am so exhausted. It won't change until I change it, and I just don't have the energy.

My very cute, very wonderful baby when he was just a few days old. I can't imagine my life without him, and I wouldn't want to.