Free to choose?

I've lived in Fife for over three years now, but it wasn't until I had Isaac that I've really made friends here. The support of Mum's I've met has made such a huge difference to our lives. Babies are incredibly hard work, frustrating, exhausting, confusing, and at times soul destroying. To spend time with other people who are going through the same things; to know your not alone and that it does get better shines a light in your darkness and makes the difficult times(almost!) bearable.

But if you've been to any kind of Mum's group, you've probably also sat on your own and wondered if anyone is going to talk to you. You've probably shared a problem and experienced the frustration of receiving well meaning but unwanted advice- and advice is putting it nicely. You've no doubt felt scorned or belittled as your parenting style, technique or choice is openly rejected by those who would do it differently.

The thing that gets me is that every Mum I know has experienced what it feels like to be demoralised and torn down by hurtful criticism of their carefully considered choices. Everyone wants the best for their child and does the very best with what they have. Every parent knows their child the best, and is best placed to decide what's right for their family. Every child is an individual, and every family is different so there never has been and never will be a one size fits all rule. There is no right way.

So why do we make each other feel that there's so many wrong ones? From feeding to sleeping to discipline and everything in between it can feel like there's a million ways to do it wrong and not a chance in hell of getting it right. Since having Isaac I've really made a concious effort not to put down other parents, but to encourage and support instead. I was feeling very pleased with myself for rising above all the nonsense, but it took less than a minute of thinking about it before I realised that I am just as bad as everyone else.

I think part of the problem is that every parent has something they feel passionately about. It could be breastfeeding, co-sleeping or sleep training. For me its smacking. I hate it. It makes my insides go all funny. But the way I feel doesn't give me the right to tell another parent what to do or to judge them for their decisions. How does it benefit a child to have their parent loose confidence in themselves? Because whatever we may tell ourselves what we are talking about here is not abuse or neglect that would warrant outside intervention. We are talking about the good, right and completely normal variations in families. No family is perfect.

I pray that I will have confidence in my ability to know what's best for my family without the arrogance of presuming I know what's right for others. I pray I will have gentleness to listen to my friend's problems without judging or jumping in with my opinion. Instead I want to be a listening ear and a sounding board to give them space so they can figure out what they want to do and what's right for them.

So to my wonderful Mummy friends: I love you all and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the support, laughter and friendship you bring to our lives. Please feel free to give me a good slap if I ever let you and your family down by not supporting your choices.